3 am Smiles

There are certain moments in your life when all things come together...the things that you thought would never happen, or that you've waited so longingly for. Tonight, more than any other night in Ryder's life, he was a happy, silly, funny, care-free little boy- with other adults. Other adults who've known him for his whole life...other adults that have never experienced this side of Ryder. I just haven't been able to sleep for the last three hours because I just haven't been able to believe it myself, and I've been processing it, thinking about it over and over...he ran in the grass with his shoes off..chased golf balls all over a giant, green yard, followed the German around the yard with two raving psychedelic flashlights, and had some verbal banter with the Seed. Had a conversation about dishwashers with Beefcake. The brownie at 9pm probably had alot to do with it, but still.

This is a big deal for me for two reasons. First, I've been worried and scared that the decisions we made in our lives would negatively effect Ryder. There was nothing more that I wanted in this world than for him to be happy. But it was a catch 22 decision that had to be made, because as all mothers know, you can't evoke happiness onto your children unless you are truly happy. Secondly, well- Ryder has just never been or acted like this. Sooooo free and happy. He has been making leaps and strides in the right direction, but tonight was truly over the top. My heart really did explode. He was THAT silly and happy, that I thought he was going to have a little heart attack and collapse from all the running and joking and laughing.

I have always wondered if we made the right decision. Deep down, I know we did, but its human nature to second guess, particularly when a child is involved. And every single time I hear, "wow- I've never seen Ryder like this, he's really come out of his shell"....helps me to believe that I'm doing OK with raising him under the circumstances....that I might actually be doing well with him. And that's all I want. I want him to become that strong solid man one day. And I want the world to see it, to see that light shine in his eyes, heart, and soul...that light that I see in every single kid I know. The light that I knew he had...but never could show. I see it now, so full and so real. So finally, for the first time in 10 months - it all just kinda feels right. It's all just coming together. And this is a big deal, because god knows I have no idea what I'm doing.