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Dooce is pregnant again!!!
I don't know what it is about Dooce that inspires me to write...I've followed her religiously ever since I read her blog at the suggestion of a friend two years ago. You could probably even say that I've stalked her for two years. Maybe it's because she loves Radiohead and Britney Spears, or maybe one of her posts reads, "Meet Me in LA, and Bring Weed". I don't know! But there is something about her that rings true in my ears. Maybe its because she takes amazing pictures, and she doesn't even try. Maybe because she got married in Yosemite to the man of her dreams..maybe because she loves Michael Phelps and Tom York. Maybe its because she's had two previous miscarriages, one before Leta, and one after Leta...maybe its because she gave me the term, "suck it for free"- to be used when you're really pissed off at someone for cutting you off and making you want to shoot him...like, "that guy can suck it for free!". Maybe its because I'm seeing TWO therapists...count em...not ONE, but TWO, and she knows what being crazy feels like.
I don't know what crazy feels like. Or do I? Coming off of hormone therapy (and being on it for two months) has left me searching. Searching for the real, searching for the true. Seeking and searching..seeking and searching. It's crazy because I'm scared of what I might find...but I'm scared of not looking for it. I MUST sound crazy right now to all of you. And if I am, you can take this as documentation for later- you know, put it in your back pocket and pull it out when the time is right and say, "SEE? You really were crazy!".
But life goes on you know? Dooce is pregnant again, and miracles do happen. Ella Sophia is here with us now, and I just can't wait to meet her. Life just goes on and on and on, and I've got to be a part of it. I've got to pull up the panties, and do my best. I just have to shine on. That's all that I can ask of me.
2 comments:
I have always been a firm believer that you MUST be crazy to qualify as being sane. Life is too much of a constant rollercoaster for anyone to be stoic or devoid of any sporadic emotional reactions.
But maybe that is just me trying to justify my crazy. Because I DEFINITELY testify that I am...maybe it was when I lost all hope in optimism only to find it again in the last place I thought to find it or...was it when I found myself standing outside my house crying over a lightbulb? Who knows?
I think you're one of the most amazing, gifted, talented and compassionate people I know, Till. That's the honest truth. And if you're a little bit crazy after everything you've been through? Hell, look at it as a proud battle scar to show where you've been and how strong you are for what's to come. :-)
ah .. the search for the meaning of life and true happiness.
let me know when you find it, i'd like in on it !
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