Chapter One: Flying Sucks but Venice Makes it Worth IT.

How was your trip? Was it fabulous? What was your favorite part? Did you see any naked boobs in Cannes? How cute are the kids when they speak in a different language? How was your flight? Did you lose any luggage? How is the Sherpa? How was the wedding? Did Beefcake look beautiful? Are you moving there now? Was Venice a dream? Did you take a lot of pictures? Was it as hard as you thought it would be to leave Ryder? What did you bring back for me? How was the FOOD? Is the coffee better over there? How long will the newlyweds be on their honeymoon? Would you visit again? Did you make out with Johnny Depp? When will you send hate mail to Iberia Airlines?

The questions just keep coming. I'm still in shock, LEAVE ME ALONE! I kid I kid. I want to answer all these questions in one complete post. But I know I'm not going to be able to. I'm just not that good. I can tell you that I have the post vacation blues, along with a bad cold. The cold really started after I puked my brains out in a bucket (on the wedding night) and the vomit made its way up my nostrils and out my nose- thereby burning the soft mucous membranes in my gentle, wide, nose with acid from my stomach. I coughed all the way to Cannes. Awesome. Very sexy. Oh you wanna know what's sexy? The Sherpa cleaning my vomit. As usual. God, she's good. Yes, she's just THAT good.

Where to begin? I guess with Iberia Air. They can SUCK MY boob. Our flight was delayed for 15 HOURS and not cancelled (because- if you're a savvy traveler you would know that if they cancel it, they're obligated to put you immediately on another flight), and so we got ourselves a free hotel room at the Crown Plaza and got drunk with a nice, old couple from Mexico City, and another couple celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary with a trip to Croatia. I was so drunk and mad that evening (because we went through the hardship of leaving our son, and we'd miss a whole day of our two week extravaganza) that I passed out in my clothes, only to wake up the next morning, and not shower or brush my hair because I thought I'd forgotten my hairbrush. I resigned to the fact that I didn't have it without really looking, and..at 7am the next morning, I brushed my teeth- flipped my head upside down and gave it a good shake...and voila'! Instant sexy bedhead (on purpose of course).

The next morning Iberia was so retarded that they put the wrong date on my boarding pass after waiting in line for two hours to check in, so that in the line at the security (where they have men with guns), a surly security guy tried to turn me away and go back out to the check in counter to get it fixed. This is where I LOSE MY SHIT. I say, in my most furious, spoiled American speak, "I'm NOT GOING back out there. Our FLIGHT WAS DELAYED FOR 15 HOURS that's why the date is STILL YESTERDAY you FUCKTARD (thank you Browser, I really like that word)!!!" My husband is pulling me back at this point...the security guy is not cooperating. "I want to talk to your manager NOW!" ..blink blink.."No. You have to go back and get that fixed."...."NO. I'M NOT GOING BACK THERE, I'm going to miss my flight, and I'M NOT GOING to go back there to get it fixed.".....Manager comes up to us..my husband now has his forearm across my chest..whispering, "it's ok. it's gonna be ok." Manager looks at our boarding passes, looks at us, and says, "Iberia. Yeah. Let them through."

One day you all will see the letter we will write to Iberia- with our list of grievances, because believe me. Delaying our flight and the boarding pass error is small potatoes compared to the prior night we had had with them- trying to get a flight out. Sadly the couple on their 10th anniversary cancelled their vacation plans- a man missed his wedding, and many other poor souls flying Iberia had it worse.

Oh, you WILL see the letter.

Shew. With that out of the way, Venice, or shall we say, Venizia, was beautiful. Stunning. Unreal. I may have to say that it was my favorite place out of all three places that we had visited. We stayed right on the Grand Canal, and our apartment had old school storm shutters that the Seed loved, whereby he immediately drank some absinthe and threw them open at 3am in the morning, screaming, "Bonjourno"!!! The location was perfecto- right next to the boat taxi's, which were right next to the bus stops. Also of note, the Seed wants to know how you say, "big" in Italian. Anyone dare to take a guess?

We walked everywhere. We spent days wandering, exploring, and getting lost. We walked from one end of Venice to another. But we did take a water taxi to the Piazza San Marco...and saw the pigeon infested grand square- got tons of pics with children and the flying rats on their heads. Stared dreamily at the Basilica Di San Marco, and the Ponte Dei Sospiri (AKA the Bridge of Sighs- not the Bridge of Size). So many pictures. Soo soo much to show you. I'm working on it. RELAX! Take it easy. The food? So good that I wouldn't begin to do it any justice by blogging about it. I'm not that good at describing food. But it was good.

We spent evenings drinking and walking the streets of Venice taking photos with the Seed, his Sis, and the Dentist. We learned that saying "Ciao" meant not only "Goodbye"- but "Hello" as well. Like, "Aloha". Neat. We became regulars at an Asian owned restaurant/bar, and I fell in love with the Italian Espresso. We drank absinthe. We became regulars at the liquor store, where we knew the clerks name (Antonio). I found my hairbrush! The freakishly tall husband nearly teared at the first fresh Italian sandwich that he ate (prosciutto, mozzarella and tomato). The Seed asked for Meatballs (note to self: meatballs are uncommon in Italy). Upon landing, the Dentist texts, saying..."I'm here. What do I do"? I try to convince the Sis to take a Gondola ride with just me, cause the guys won't pay 60 euro for one. We agree in the end that it would be stupid. And then drink some more. We buy my Dad and Ryder matching track suits that screams, "Italia"!

The Seed, the husband and I set out in a rented Fiat Punto for Lake Como after three days in Venice. We are ready to go, but scared to be leaving the Dentist and the Sis to fend for themselves without us (they'll be leaving the next day). But, we decide that they will be alright, and well- tough shit- you're ON YOUR OWN!! See ya's! Nah- kidding. We already say we'll miss them, and we can't wait to see each other again in Como. In Como- where The German and Beefcake, the Sherpa, the Mench, FoodieMonster, and that wife of his...Em, Joo, Gaston, Riss, Ryan and Anthony await. Where a marriage will take place, where two will become one. CHEESE! Como...where we will get chased...kicked out of..

OK. We'll stop here.

PS- a picture slideshow is in the works. please be patient. you know who you are. i love my girls.