3 am Smiles

There are certain moments in your life when all things come together...the things that you thought would never happen, or that you've waited so longingly for. Tonight, more than any other night in Ryder's life, he was a happy, silly, funny, care-free little boy- with other adults. Other adults who've known him for his whole life...other adults that have never experienced this side of Ryder. I just haven't been able to sleep for the last three hours because I just haven't been able to believe it myself, and I've been processing it, thinking about it over and over...he ran in the grass with his shoes off..chased golf balls all over a giant, green yard, followed the German around the yard with two raving psychedelic flashlights, and had some verbal banter with the Seed. Had a conversation about dishwashers with Beefcake. The brownie at 9pm probably had alot to do with it, but still.

This is a big deal for me for two reasons. First, I've been worried and scared that the decisions we made in our lives would negatively effect Ryder. There was nothing more that I wanted in this world than for him to be happy. But it was a catch 22 decision that had to be made, because as all mothers know, you can't evoke happiness onto your children unless you are truly happy. Secondly, well- Ryder has just never been or acted like this. Sooooo free and happy. He has been making leaps and strides in the right direction, but tonight was truly over the top. My heart really did explode. He was THAT silly and happy, that I thought he was going to have a little heart attack and collapse from all the running and joking and laughing.

I have always wondered if we made the right decision. Deep down, I know we did, but its human nature to second guess, particularly when a child is involved. And every single time I hear, "wow- I've never seen Ryder like this, he's really come out of his shell"....helps me to believe that I'm doing OK with raising him under the circumstances....that I might actually be doing well with him. And that's all I want. I want him to become that strong solid man one day. And I want the world to see it, to see that light shine in his eyes, heart, and soul...that light that I see in every single kid I know. The light that I knew he had...but never could show. I see it now, so full and so real. So finally, for the first time in 10 months - it all just kinda feels right. It's all just coming together. And this is a big deal, because god knows I have no idea what I'm doing.

Keeping Myself Occupied...One More Weekend.

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I Just Saw Wicker Park

And it made me believe in the term "soulmate"... I don't know how many of my friends told me about this movie, and I can't believe I hadn't seen it yet. If you haven't seen it, watch it. Watch it now. Thank you Jenny and Gerry for telling me about this one. Thank you...Especially you.



The Scientist lyrics

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Number 2

Number 2, originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

Grandma's Pictures

We're doing a slideshow for our grandmother...its so wonderful to see her this way....Thank you Seed for helping us!

My Grandmother

I remember loving to be at Grandma's house. Us kids would play and play and play, while all my aunts and uncles would stay up late and play mahjong and smoke cigarettes in the basement. I'm an only child, so being with my cousins at my grandma's house was the BEST. I never wanted to leave when it was time to go. We'd lip sync to Duran Duran, do gymnastics on the couch, trip the younger kids as they ran circles around house, play mad scientist in the bathroom with all of my grandmother's toiletries (Ever do that before? Take everything in the bathroom cabinets and dump them in the sink and mix it up? Like shaving cream, shampoo, lotions, toothpaste, mouthwash?). Yeah, good times. We were there almost every weekend, sometimes even on the weekdays late at night when the restaurant closed. We were a close knit family back then...

Here is a picture of all of us. The whole entire family on my Dad's side. My Dad is third from the oldest, and he's the one holding the glass. There are 6 brothers all together, and one sister, who isn't pictured here, or her family- who includes three more cousins and an uncle...They lived in Florida so we rarely saw them. This picture- is when I remember everything the most. My grandmother is at the bottom, second from the right, holding little Allison (not so little anymore- well none of us are). It looks like it was grandpa's birthday here...he's the one in the middle (bottom), just completely engulfed by grandchildren...

My grandmother died this morning. She's been in the hospital for nearly a month now, in and out of the ICU, with a mystery diagnosis that was always lost in translation. She was nearly 90 years old (although no one knows for sure). My cousin Andy called me around 11:00 last night, and said grandma might not make it through the evening. Off I went to the hospital with him, to see her- to try to figure out how it all went so wrong so fast. Last week she had her gall bladder removed and we thought that was all the riff raff that had been giving her grief. Everything was supposed to be OK. She was going to go home in a few days. But days turned into more days, and she'd been in and out of the ICU, never really able to fully recover. But she was all there, all there in the head. Just last week when I saw her before her gall bladder was removed she wasn't doing too bad. It was like she finally didn't want to fight anymore. In the past couple of times in the previous weeks that I saw her, the second I got there, she was immediately trying to send me home, like- she didn't want to trouble me, or waste my time. But this time, she called for all of us. Like she knew. And we were all there...everyone in this picture- with the sweet Sherpa making her way back.

I'm not going to lie and say that I know that she went peacefully. In fact, I just wish I could have done more- she was on CPAP, uncomfortable, and I didn't want to see her hurting. I wanted to push morphine til the cows come home, and I was frustrated because I knew there was a better way. Her lungs were filled with fluid, and the next logical step would have been to intubate her, and put her on pain and sedation meds. But my family is old school- us cousins are first generation here in the states. They believed that intubation was more invasive, and it would prolong her pain and suffering. So there she was, on her back, a huge CPAP mask covering nearly her entire swollen face- no one could hear what she was saying, and she just kept trying to take it off. You could see it in her eyes that she was suffering, gasping for air...and since she was only on CPAP, all she got for pain was morphine every two hours. Sigh.. I can say that she got to see everyone...all of her children and her grandchildren, and perhaps this is how she wanted to go- to fight tooth and nail until she was certain that she was able to see her legacy that she was about to leave behind.

We left the hospital around 2am- and she died this morning around 5am. I do know that they finally gave her more morphine, and I refuse to let myself think that she suffered anymore. My last living grandparent is in heaven now too.

I hated taking family pictures back then. It always used to annoy me when the parents would call to us from upstairs (as we were dumped in the basement) and make us all stand and take pictures like the one I posted. They'd break up our fun! We'd all have to shuffle upstairs and take picture after picture after picture. Well I don't have any brothers or sisters, but I do have a wonderful group of friends that are pretty much my family. And we do to our kids what our parents did to us. We let our kids run wild while we all got together and had some drinks, and our kids would play..we do all of that now, except take group pictures.

I'm thinking we need to start.

Life Goes On!

Dooce is pregnant again!!!

I don't know what it is about Dooce that inspires me to write...I've followed her religiously ever since I read her blog at the suggestion of a friend two years ago.  You could probably even say that I've stalked her for two years.  Maybe it's because she loves Radiohead and Britney Spears, or maybe one of her posts reads, "Meet Me in LA, and Bring Weed".  I don't know!  But there is something about her that rings true in my ears.  Maybe its because she takes amazing pictures, and she doesn't even try.  Maybe because she got married in Yosemite to the man of her dreams..maybe because she loves Michael Phelps and Tom York.  Maybe its because she's had two previous miscarriages, one before Leta, and one after Leta...maybe its because she gave me the term, "suck it for free"- to be used when you're really pissed off at someone for cutting you off and making you want to shoot him...like, "that guy can suck it for free!".  Maybe its because I'm seeing TWO therapists...count em...not ONE, but TWO, and she knows what being crazy feels like.  

I don't know what crazy feels like.  Or do I?  Coming off of hormone therapy (and being on it for two months) has left me searching.  Searching for the real, searching for the true.  Seeking and searching..seeking and searching.  It's crazy because I'm scared of what I might find...but I'm scared of not looking for it.    I MUST sound crazy right now to all of you.  And if I am, you can take this as documentation for later- you know, put it in your back pocket and pull it out when the time is right and say, "SEE?  You really were crazy!".  

But life goes on you know?  Dooce is pregnant again, and miracles do happen.  Ella Sophia is here with us now, and I just can't wait to meet her.  Life just goes on and on and on, and I've got to be a part of it.  I've got to pull up the panties, and do my best.  I just have to shine on.  That's all that I can ask of me.