Stress

So, I've gotten myself a beautiful, large, nasty-ass- looking cold sore on my lip. Ahhhh the wonders of stress. Typically I get them because I didn't put enough sun block on (SPF 50) my lips when I lay out in the sun, and I've been very proud of myself because I thought that- once and for all- I've BEATEN them. But....no. There's one other thing that causes a cold sore to rear its ugly head...and that's stress.

Hmmmmmm...what in the world could I be stressed about???

7. Well, my miscarriage. Exactly 4 weeks ago today, I lost a little 5 month old being. But, did I have time to greive? Well, no- not exactly.

6. A week after my miscarriage, my dad goes into the early stages of heart failure because he's got aortic valve regurgitation. Basically his valve in his aorta is causing alot of backwash into his lungs, causing his left ventricle to work even that much harder- you know, the basic stuff.

5. My mom suddenly decides she doesn't know how to speak English, and I've been deemed "the spokesperson" for my dad and her. She won't even ask the nurse upon discharge if dad can drive. She asks me in Chinese, to ask the nurse. She knows she knows how to say, "can he drive?" in english. Speaking of drive, I've been driving them everywhere, because- my mom suddenly forgot how to drive as well.

4. The "makin-my-dad-crazy-anxious-and-so-then-I'm-anxious" pre-op schedule that we have set up for my dad: This thursday, at 4pm, meet the cardiologist. Next thursday, at 9:30 am, we go in for lab draws, and the following Monday, June 4th, dun dun da dahhhhhh- for open heart surgery. Can't work on those days (I usually work on Tuesdays and Thursdays)......and we need the money because....

3. Our refridgerator broke! We already bought a king size bed for ourselves three weeks ago. A new fridge out of the blue is not fun- whoops- we're out another $800 bucks!!!

2. A REALLY bad book (see previous post).

And the NUMBER one reason for my stress- hence- cold sore????

1. THIS.

The Worst Book I've EVER EVER Read.....

I don't know why I'm so adamant about spreading the word on how ridiculous this book is. Maybe its because in all my nearly 35 years of life (give or take 5 years depending on when I actually started to read and comprehend), I've never wanted to hurl a book straight into a raging fire. I've never wanted to call an author up directly and tell her how awful his/her book is, and tell them that I'm so disappointed in myself for having been robbed of any amount of money (in this instance, $14.00). I was so robbed. I mean, I've read bad books before. But in the past I've simply put them down, and not finished them. This time though, I endured reading until the end because I was obsessed with hating this book.

The book is called "Forever Lily", and the author (self-obsessed to the 10th power) is Beth Nonte Russell. I'm not even going to create a link to it because I'm so thoroughly disgusted. Ok, fine. Here it is. Maybe you can get it for cheap on Amazon. Nah, I wouldn't even spend that money. I'd say borrow it from the library, but still- you'd be wasting gas getting there.

This book, as indicated by its beautiful (and truly deceiving) cover, is about a woman's journey to China, with her friend- to adopt an infant girl. The intriguing premise however, is that it is her friend who went through the adoption process- the home study, the mounds of paperwork, and the coughing up of the suitcase full of cash- to adopt the baby girl. In the end, her friend can't do it. She freezes, backs out, and "bails"- so to speak. The rest of the book is about how this awesome and mighty author came to terms with her soul (through meditation, running, praying, dreaming of herself being a Chinese empress/concubine (???), and whining like a spoiled 16 year old girl to her husband), and adopts the little 13 month old (who, at 13 months, can give an expression of "the deepest sadness, a mixture of fear, grief, and incomprehension") in her friend's place.

Now, I don't pretend to think that I can write better than she. And I'm not saying that she can't write. In fact, she can. She's really descriptive, and lyrical- NOT however, not even close, to Elizabeth Gilbert- who wrote "Eat, Pray, Love". What I'm angry with is the self righteousness, and the blatant lack of knowledge and respect for the Chinese people and their VERY ancient culture, regardless of how "backwards" it can appear to be. It would be like me trying to write something about the Middle East, and fill the narrative with generalizations that are only found in my head.

Right off the bat, on page 12:

"Finally, our flight is called. Alex has to help me onto the plane, which is packed with Japanese and Chinese businessmen. Except for the flight attendants, we are the only women on this flight, and that makes me very uncomfortable (what were you, like- born under a rock?). The men don't acknowledge us at all; it is as if we're ghosts, we don't exist (what would you like them to do, oh mighty one?)."

And on page 46, when the adoption group learns that they will meet their adoptive children one day earlier than planned:

"All day long Anna has been telling us that the babies will not be delivered to the hotel until tomorrow morning, and the parents set their minds to a relaxing evening with nothing on the schedule. Anxious as they all are to meet their new children, a nice meal and some sleep are what they were looking forward to for this evening. To suddenly think of dealing with babies in less than fifteen minutes, just off a plane, hungry, exhausted, and not prepared, is overwhelming for us all (or just you? How do you know what the adoptive parents went through to get where they are? How many years did they have to wait for a baby? How many years before that might they have tried to conceive a baby of their own before turning to adoption?)".

I do believe that the reason she laces the book with her dreams/meditations/visions of herself being a Chinese empress is so that the rest of the book doesn't sound too blatantly one-sided. Like, she can write all about the yuckiness (ie, history she knows nothing about) because- well- she wouldn't want to be a Chinese Empress, then- would she? She also writes of the horrific conditions in the Chinese orphanages, and wonders who/why/how could anyone leave children in such terrible places (why does anyone give their child up for adoption? There's always a reason, however great or small- and it doesn't happen only in China, missy). She then meditates so deeply that she has a vision from The Blessed Virgin Mary- who tells her that it is her place to save this one little girl.

For the love of God. For the love of Buddha. For Christ's sake. Jesus. I mean, COME ON.

I'm all for a great tear jerker, and I understand where (if you've been living under a rock) you could be horrified at the sheer nastiness and dirtiness of a third world orphanage. So write about it- that's totally cool. But don't make yourself out to be the savior, saving poor orphan girls from a horrific country called China where men do not acknowledge the power of the woman, thereby producing more orphaned girls because of the "one child policy", (ie- families toss their baby girls in hopes for another chance at a boy). Jeez. Have you met MY mom??? My dad lives with HER in fear. How about Joy Luck Club? Yup- Chinese moms rule the roost.

Oh, and Oprah saved a whole institution of girls in Africa without once making herself out to be a savior. She never blamed Africa either- its just the way things are, and shit just happens.

L'amor che move il sole e l'altre stelle...........

"The love that moves the sun and other stars."

RadioHead, I Need You

When oh when will you tour again????

Instructions for Freedom

1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions.

2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.

3. The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out- on the outside, and on the inside.

5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.

6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.

7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.

8. Watch the heat of the day pass into the cool night. Let go.

9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.

10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

This was taken from a great book I'm reading, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It doesn't apply to me, but in many ways it does. I knew this meant something to me, when I started reading these Instructions for Freedom, and just started crying.

The Boys in my LIfe

I don't know what I would have done without these fellas in the last few days. More than comfort, they are a source of laughter and inspiration to me, and I'm sooo lucky and fortunate to have them. Ryder makes me roll around on the carpet, makes me chase him into the bushes when we go outside, and sneaks up behind me to try to scare me when I'm hiding behind the couch. My husband just kisses me, hugs me, and makes me feel more safe than I've ever felt. Ever. When I'm with them, I feel like nothing will ever go wrong.

And if it does, well hell. It'll be alright.

Of course, the Percocet helps too.

Just Wanted to Tell You....

Dear Friends,

We just wanted to tell all of you that we lost our baby two nights ago. It was a boy, and he was almost 5 months old. Miscarriages are crazy, and unjust.....but unfortunately something that women suffer, many woman....too many women. We're doing OK, and enjoying Ryder like crazy. Don't hesitate to email us, or text us....its a little hard to talk without crying- so I might not answer the phone. But we're doing OK, and every day gets a teeny bit better. We just have to get through the next few days, and switch the gears up for the next few months. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and we'll get through this.

Hopefully we'll see you all soon. Take care, and just enjoy the day.....every single moment of every single day.

We love you,
Tilly and Scott
Ryder too!

Cleaning Out the Closet

Since becoming pregnant for the second time around, I've decided that it was time to clean out my closet because I just couldn't find crap. I couldn't find all the maternity jeans that I had worn when pregnant with Ryder, and well..I just couldn't find anything that fit, that looked good, that wasn't out of date, and that I hadn't worn in the last four days. If you looked at my closet, you would probably take a guess and say, "damn, this girl does NOT need anymore clothes". But when I look at my closet, I say, "jesus I have NOTHING to wear".

And here's why. My closet was filled with junk. Stuff that I hadn't and wouldn't wear in years, and in years to come. But why had I held on to all this stuff??? I mean, soooooo much stuff. Here's a list of some things that I FINALLY found the strength to get rid of (8 hours later and after much nostalgia):

1. The bridesmaids dress that I wore to Chief Sherpa's wedding. How long ago was that? And was I REALLY going to wear a peach and tan floor length gown ever again? But still. I had kept it, until today. Because when my girl got married, I was standing beside her wearing it.

2. My crew jacket from UMBC. Great god almighty. Its not like we even ever won anything. Its not like we were even any good. Why did I keep it?? Its not like it was even blessed with awesome colors. It was just black, with yellow splashes under the armpits. COOL.

3. My rainbow windbreaker from high school. Don't know why I kept it. Never wore it. But, I just couldn't part with it. Until today.

4. Ten million baby doll T-shirts. Hello Kitty all over some, silly little logos that say, "can't catch me", or "big flirt", or "me in Amsterdam", or "wink wink", or "Ambercrombie". Ughhhh. How embarrassing. I haven't worn any of them in years. Why did I still have them??

5. Hoodies, hoodies, and more hoodies. Threw out at least 10. But, I had to keep the one that my husband and I got on our honeymoon, you know, the one that says, "Serenade of the Seas". I don't know. Call me a romantic.

All in all, there are 6 lawn bags stuffed with my clothes that are ready to go to Good Will. I feel lighter, and way more organized. But I also feel a little sadness because I'll never be able to see certain items of clothing again, just the little items of clothing that might spark a memory. But no matter, I have no time to be nostalgic in the morning when trying to get myself ready for the day. I don't need to be doing that in my closet. It's all here, in my head.

But I'll tell you what. No amount of money could have paid me to get rid of my 6 favorite pair of True Religion jeans. Sure, I'm not a size 27 anymore. Not today, anyway. But damn right I will be again, one day!!! Come hell or high water, I'm wearing those damn jeans til the day I die!!!!

Our Little Girl is Growing Up

The Way To Get Your Husband to Admit He Has a Lisp

Just ask him to say,

Mrs. Butterworth's is rich and delicious.