10 Ways of Hotnett

So the Seed and I are just sitting around, after having watched "The Faculty" and "40 Days and 40 Nights" with the gang....My thoughts have been on Josh Hartnett all night long, and the Seed knows this. He says, "You should do a blog post about Josh. 10 Ways of Hotnett. Sounds like a GREAT idea.

I love the way he rips off the blade of the paper cutter, with one foot on the table. Sooooooooooo Manly. I love the way he walks. I love the way he slouch walks. I love the way he can be goofy. I love his smile. I love his smoldering, brooding, comegetme eyes. I love his tallness. A confident, yet shy (appearing), tall, candystick. I love his badassness + cuteness. I love his sexiness. I love his mole at the bottom of his neck. I love when he says, "if anyone see us, just grab me and pretend like we're makin' out. I love him in 'Virgin Suicides" even with his crazy wig. And I love love love love love love love his fucking dead sexy voice.

The Seed says he's got this boyish charm/badassmanlyness. I agree (although I think its hysterical that he's helping me out, here).

I think that was way more then ten.

That Ugly Word

Why do women (and families) have to suffer that ugly word called miscarriage?? WHY? How is it fair? How come some women have many, and some women have none? Why have I gotten this far, jacked up on hormones recovering from surgery- so that I never have to experience a miscarriage again? I don't know..this post is going to make absolutely no sense because I'm angry and sad for her. I'm feeling everything that she's feeling. Everything. Her broken voice is still ringing in my ears and I can't stop crying for her. I can't stop crying for any woman who has had a miscarriage. And there are so so many. More than you know.

Sucks To Be a Leo

Not much to say these days...except estrogen therapy sucks.

So, I dive into some Led Zepplin and some Black Crowes.

Girl From a Pawnshop comes to mind...

Ryder Approves Blog Post

Ryder Approves Blog Post, originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

Singing Lullabies

In the two and a half years of Ryder's life, I've found it impossible to sing lullabies to him without crying. I can't ever sing one without my voice cracking, or my eyes tearing up. I've recently realized this when we cut out his evening bottles- we have to find a creative way to get him to bed- get him to wind down, and ready himself for sleep. We've come up with reading, of course...we let him pick out his bedtime story (usually two or three), and he walks to his bedroom with authority and not sleepiness, holding his books like a kid in school hallways heading to another classroom. But he's usually still so awake after a few stories, so I thought about songs that I could sing to him. But I just can't do it.

As I've mentioned before, I've tried. Here are some of the songs that I've attempted. Mind you, I've failed at completing all of them. Every single one. I thought it was hard when he was an infant because he was just so pure and innocent, and sweet. I would just get caught up in the song and in his face and body and toes that my voice would tremble. It's even harder now because when I try to sing a lullaby, he's staring right back at me with big, questioning eyes, sometimes smiling, when recognizing a song, sometimes saying, "mama no!!". Even when he says no, I still tear up. I don't know why.

1. Silent Night. I can just forget about this one.
2. I Give My Life for You (Miss Saigon)- I KNOW what you're going to say, this song might be a little overwhelming for a two year old, but still beautiful. Still makes me cry.
3. Hush Little Mermaid (Backyardigans)- just a pretty melody. Still cry.
4. You are My sunshine. I can sing this to him during the day, but at night as a lullaby, I just can't do it!!!
5. A wonderful World. Iz. Yup. Can't do this one either.
6. And the one that I really want to sing all the way through, but can't, is Tomorrow. Annie.

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

Try singing that to your baby and not crying. And its just not the copious amounts of estrogen I'm on right now, either. I had problems singing lullabies to him from his first day of life. WHY??

Maybe I should try "sexy back". I'll let you know how that goes.

I Miss the Little Dude

And Goodnight!

You're My Best Friend

"When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
With the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
Yes I do...
Yes I do"

I need you to sing this with me!  We'll just close our eyes, and picture all of us together, and rock out.  I'm having surgery tomorrow.  Remember that whole heart shaped uterus thing?  Well, I'm getting rid of it.  No no, not the uterus, just the piece of the heart that is hanging down making my womb an inhospitable place for making babies.  And I'm nervous as all hell.  

The month of August has been crazy.  My day job has been crazy busy with various submissions that needed to go into federal agencies.  Throw in a week trip to Hawaii for a wedding, and then a weekend trip to NYC for M's conference shoot, and now surgery- well, it all has left me beside myself.   Beside myself in a good way, of course.  If I've ever really rocked out, its been this year. And its not even over yet.  It's just August.  I've built Jonas and Luna with the buddy of all buddies, I've gone to Italy and France, and felt love love love everywhere, Ryder got a big boy bed and we got rid of his nightly and morning bottles (FINALLY), Ryder went to NYC,  we saw a beautiful moon and rainbow in Hawaii, I suffocated and squeezed the shit out of my godson, and got harassed by Kevin.  All in all, a good year.  Its funny how a bit of your life flashes before your eyes when you know you're going to be put into a deep, paralyzing, immobile sleep for an hour.  I'm scared.  I need you to sing this song with me.  Will I wake up?  Will I see Ryder's and Scott's sweet faces again?  Will I see yours?  I know I'm being dramatic.  I'm a Leo.  Will we be able to have another baby?  Or will we adopt from Tibet?  

The take home message from this incoherent blog post is this:  Just LIVE.  Just LOVE.  Throw yourself into life and don't stop.  And don't forget to love along the way.   Sing this song with me.  It will make me happy.

Ryder in New York City

This is Ryder in a taxi cab (which are curiously exempt from the federal law mandating any infant or child to be in a car seat) after taking him shopping at FAO Schwartz. You can see him clutching the red FAO bag that holds his new toy. He's officially a big boy now, I think. He survived NYC. He actually enjoyed it and hated being inside our hotel room. He EVEN joined us for a nightcap at a local dive bar. Man. I can hear Jay screaming in my ear, "TILLY! (I've recently realized that he ALWAYS addresses me by shouting my name) You baby him. He needs to grow up and be a man".

Sadly, it feels like that is just around the corner.

Ohana Means Family.

I love weddings.

I love how they bring everyone together, from so many different places, into one space to celebrate one couple.  The power of the love felt is just overwhelming- and I find myself crying at weddings no matter what.  The vibe of friends and family in love is impossible to write about, and I wish I could.  But I can't possibly begin to, so I'll just say this:  Thank you, Nikki and Neil for bringing us all together.  Ian, The Sherp, ForeversleuthingfortastyplacestoeatPolly, Beefcake, the Mench, The Chipmunk, Ono, and the infamous B.O.B and his lil bro.  It was great to see old friends like Rhee, and Sri, and Roy- just madness, really.  All there.  Just soakin it all in.  I miss you guys.  

I love rainbows too.