.jpg)
Mortality.
I've been thinking about it alot lately. Having really bad dreams about dying and things, and just having an overall sinking feeling that my time here on earth just might almost be up. It didn't really bother me until my mother called me this morning, all teary and weepy, and said, "I'm so worried about you. I've had bad dreams about Ryder growing up without you". Jesus MOM!
I don't really think that I'm superstitious. Oh wait a minute, I do. I believe I'm superstitious, AND psychic. And I'm scared that these weird premonitions that I'm having (along with my mother) might actually be true. Is this normal? Do most women feel this way? I have an overwhelming picture in my head of life continuing on without me. I'm trying to stay positive, and I'm thinking that maybe its a few random things that are causing these feelings- so I'm posting them now to get'em out of my head, to get control of the situation, and to pull my panties up- so to speak.
Hypothesis 1: Too many terrible things happening to families in the news. The Kim Family from San Fransisco stranded in the Oregon wilderness after their car gets trapped in the snow...the two teens who die in Frederick after their car runs off the road...the young boy who was dragged by a car after being struck in Towson...I've GOT to stop watching the news, thanks for the advice, VV!
Hypothesis 2: The movies in which a parent is missing or out of the picture (Will Smith's "The Pursuit of Happyness"), or a child is missing (Leo Dicaprio's "Blood Diamond"). Definately won't be able to watch those. I mean, I can't even watch commercials without bawling...and how long are those? Two to three minutes? Max?
Hypothesis 3: The state of my health. Thyroid issues, uterus issues, abnormal pap smear??? WHAT??? Blah blah blah. Guess I'll just have to wait and see on those. Five more months to go...I can do it, and everything is going to be OK.
Hypothesis 4: I've got everything that I'll ever want, or need. A beautiful family which includes a hot, geeky, ceramical, tall husband, a loyal and very trustworthy cat, and a beautiful son. Like its all too good to be true, and it's going to be taken from me because I'm certainly not worthy of them.
Hypothesis 5: Capitol Swell's Lady in White and Browser Metric's Scary Mary. And The Seed's thoughts on making a snowman the next time it snows because you never know when you'll get that chance again. Damn THEM!!!
Well, I've got all of these hypothesis, these "reasons" why I may be feeling the way I'm feeling.....with really, well.....no conclusions. I should just get off the blogger and spend time with my family. I'm going to prove my brain fuck WRONG, and my mom wrong. I'm going to LIVE damnit! And I'm gonna live everyday like it WILL be my last. And then I REALLY can't go wrong!
Right???
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Mortality
at
12:11 PM
Labels: Other Random Things |
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Look who's calling the kettle black... jeez. Talk about dark. =)
I always have this wonderful reoccuring dream. I'm on a plane and it flips up dow. People yelling and screaming. Mayhem. Overheads popping open, lipstick and pocket change flying through the air. The ground and sky in the window twirling and traiding places. I don't know sideways from sideways.
I think about this everytime I get on a plan. I think about how it's an aluminum ginsui. I look at the structure of the plane and imagine it ripping like alligator teeth toward my seat. Yelling, screaming.
But hell, I still board that flight everytime. I still fly and see the world. Because in the end anything and everything can happen. Live each day how you must. No pressure. If you die tomorrow, so be it. Life will go on without you. That's for sure. It goes on with out JFK, Malcom X, Hitler, Charles Manson, and the Barber who cut your hair as a child. Everything keeps revolving and evolving. But we are NOT insignificant by any means. Especially if you just remember to greet the world with a handshake and a hug. Then deal with the otherside when it comes. Of course a handshake and a hug wouldn't hurt.
Dark, wow, just think of your family first, try and do whats right and be nice to people especially those who dont have anything and you'll be fine. Its hard when you are responsible you have to be in charge, you are responsible and you will think about it. But part of being responsible is making choices and thinking about the future.
Thanks fellas! Glad to know that someone is reading this nut job riff raff. Anyway, JLD, VV, and I had a nice talk about all of this, and apparently women feel like this all the time, much more so when they have children. I think we're so deathly scared of leaving them alone in the world without us, that we can't fight the dreams that just come. We want to protect them and be here for them forever, so not being here is just as I wrote...our worst nightmare.
But I suppose something else that we need is just to be heard...a validation that we are in fact, not crazy, because I'm much better today then I was the other day. So, thanks again, fellas!
Post a Comment