Grandma's Pictures

We're doing a slideshow for our grandmother...its so wonderful to see her this way....Thank you Seed for helping us!

My Grandmother

I remember loving to be at Grandma's house. Us kids would play and play and play, while all my aunts and uncles would stay up late and play mahjong and smoke cigarettes in the basement. I'm an only child, so being with my cousins at my grandma's house was the BEST. I never wanted to leave when it was time to go. We'd lip sync to Duran Duran, do gymnastics on the couch, trip the younger kids as they ran circles around house, play mad scientist in the bathroom with all of my grandmother's toiletries (Ever do that before? Take everything in the bathroom cabinets and dump them in the sink and mix it up? Like shaving cream, shampoo, lotions, toothpaste, mouthwash?). Yeah, good times. We were there almost every weekend, sometimes even on the weekdays late at night when the restaurant closed. We were a close knit family back then...

Here is a picture of all of us. The whole entire family on my Dad's side. My Dad is third from the oldest, and he's the one holding the glass. There are 6 brothers all together, and one sister, who isn't pictured here, or her family- who includes three more cousins and an uncle...They lived in Florida so we rarely saw them. This picture- is when I remember everything the most. My grandmother is at the bottom, second from the right, holding little Allison (not so little anymore- well none of us are). It looks like it was grandpa's birthday here...he's the one in the middle (bottom), just completely engulfed by grandchildren...

My grandmother died this morning. She's been in the hospital for nearly a month now, in and out of the ICU, with a mystery diagnosis that was always lost in translation. She was nearly 90 years old (although no one knows for sure). My cousin Andy called me around 11:00 last night, and said grandma might not make it through the evening. Off I went to the hospital with him, to see her- to try to figure out how it all went so wrong so fast. Last week she had her gall bladder removed and we thought that was all the riff raff that had been giving her grief. Everything was supposed to be OK. She was going to go home in a few days. But days turned into more days, and she'd been in and out of the ICU, never really able to fully recover. But she was all there, all there in the head. Just last week when I saw her before her gall bladder was removed she wasn't doing too bad. It was like she finally didn't want to fight anymore. In the past couple of times in the previous weeks that I saw her, the second I got there, she was immediately trying to send me home, like- she didn't want to trouble me, or waste my time. But this time, she called for all of us. Like she knew. And we were all there...everyone in this picture- with the sweet Sherpa making her way back.

I'm not going to lie and say that I know that she went peacefully. In fact, I just wish I could have done more- she was on CPAP, uncomfortable, and I didn't want to see her hurting. I wanted to push morphine til the cows come home, and I was frustrated because I knew there was a better way. Her lungs were filled with fluid, and the next logical step would have been to intubate her, and put her on pain and sedation meds. But my family is old school- us cousins are first generation here in the states. They believed that intubation was more invasive, and it would prolong her pain and suffering. So there she was, on her back, a huge CPAP mask covering nearly her entire swollen face- no one could hear what she was saying, and she just kept trying to take it off. You could see it in her eyes that she was suffering, gasping for air...and since she was only on CPAP, all she got for pain was morphine every two hours. Sigh.. I can say that she got to see everyone...all of her children and her grandchildren, and perhaps this is how she wanted to go- to fight tooth and nail until she was certain that she was able to see her legacy that she was about to leave behind.

We left the hospital around 2am- and she died this morning around 5am. I do know that they finally gave her more morphine, and I refuse to let myself think that she suffered anymore. My last living grandparent is in heaven now too.

I hated taking family pictures back then. It always used to annoy me when the parents would call to us from upstairs (as we were dumped in the basement) and make us all stand and take pictures like the one I posted. They'd break up our fun! We'd all have to shuffle upstairs and take picture after picture after picture. Well I don't have any brothers or sisters, but I do have a wonderful group of friends that are pretty much my family. And we do to our kids what our parents did to us. We let our kids run wild while we all got together and had some drinks, and our kids would play..we do all of that now, except take group pictures.

I'm thinking we need to start.

Fun Way to Spend a Sunday

Mammoth Men

I've got another shoot coming up this weekend, and while stalking my favorite photography blogs, I stumbled across these weirdos. The trouble is...they remind me of my weirdo biznas associate SEED. Seed, why aren't you running around with these guys?? You look like you'd fit right in! It's a good thing..cause everyone likes a weirdo every now and then!!!! ;)


Mammoth Men 3 Trailer from FRED EGAN on Vimeo.

More about Mammoth Men is HERE!

Ryder's Day Care Report Card!

"Ryder has made great progress in our class. He is a very mature child, and his verbal skills are well developed, and he is able to express himself to his teachers and his peers. He likes to lead and he enjoys adult company but at the same time he plays very well with other children. he enjoys books and being read to, and can name and point to familiar objects in pictures. He recognizes some letters and colors, and he can sort pictures and objects by color and shape. he can complete 5-10 piece puzzles and he understands positional words. He can enjoy art projects. His fine and gross motor skills are well developed, eye/hand coordination is strong and he likes to participate in simple experiments. We will continue to work with him in all areas of development.

It is a pleasure having Ryder in our "Get Set and Go" class."

Now, I realize that is is boiler plate language for the teacher to fill in the blanks...but I'm so damn proud of him.

And, can you believe my little loverboy has NOT BEEN SICK at all this season??? I'm on cloud nine....

Halloween Yumminess (Better Late Then Never)

Happy Birthday Britney!!

Those of you who know me know that I love Britney Spears.

I've always been her BIGGEST FAN, and

no matter what anyone ever said about her

I didn't care..I just loved her and STILL DO!!     

And anyone who is interested (even remotely)

should watch "Britney: For the Record" on MTV.

Just turn it on when it reruns, come on..just for fun.  

Especially if you have nothing to do.

Her PR group did wonders for her this time around.  They coordinate a "comeback" for her, coinciding a record release (Circus) with her birthday, a Good Morning America show, and an MTV Special.  If you watch the special, you can still see sadness in her eyes but you just want her to succeed and do well.  I know I do!! 

So, Happy Birthday Britney (like I know her)!  LOL!!  

OH!  And, Happy Birthday (yesterday) Seed's Sis!  

Don't worry, you're more important to me than Britney.

Maybe. ;)

Life Goes On!

Dooce is pregnant again!!!

I don't know what it is about Dooce that inspires me to write...I've followed her religiously ever since I read her blog at the suggestion of a friend two years ago.  You could probably even say that I've stalked her for two years.  Maybe it's because she loves Radiohead and Britney Spears, or maybe one of her posts reads, "Meet Me in LA, and Bring Weed".  I don't know!  But there is something about her that rings true in my ears.  Maybe its because she takes amazing pictures, and she doesn't even try.  Maybe because she got married in Yosemite to the man of her dreams..maybe because she loves Michael Phelps and Tom York.  Maybe its because she's had two previous miscarriages, one before Leta, and one after Leta...maybe its because she gave me the term, "suck it for free"- to be used when you're really pissed off at someone for cutting you off and making you want to shoot him...like, "that guy can suck it for free!".  Maybe its because I'm seeing TWO therapists...count em...not ONE, but TWO, and she knows what being crazy feels like.  

I don't know what crazy feels like.  Or do I?  Coming off of hormone therapy (and being on it for two months) has left me searching.  Searching for the real, searching for the true.  Seeking and searching..seeking and searching.  It's crazy because I'm scared of what I might find...but I'm scared of not looking for it.    I MUST sound crazy right now to all of you.  And if I am, you can take this as documentation for later- you know, put it in your back pocket and pull it out when the time is right and say, "SEE?  You really were crazy!".  

But life goes on you know?  Dooce is pregnant again, and miracles do happen.  Ella Sophia is here with us now, and I just can't wait to meet her.  Life just goes on and on and on, and I've got to be a part of it.  I've got to pull up the panties, and do my best.  I just have to shine on.  That's all that I can ask of me.  

Gotta Love the Off Season

Gotta Love the Off Season, originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

Oh! And Happy Birthday Ella Sophia!

Done.

It took us a mere four minutes from start to finish- to possibly change the course of the country. No lines, nothing. That's it.  Good Luck, Obama!

Sunday Chillin

Sunday Chillin, originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

He is WONDERFUL!

I've been getting headaches lately. Even with my contacts in, I'm squinting.  It's time for a new prescription and eye check-up.   As many of you know, I'm pretty blind.  I pretty much live in my contact lenses.  I can't see without my contacts, or glasses, at all.  And if I wear my glasses, I feel like they're huge glass bottle bottoms stuck to my eyeballs, and I rarely wear them because of it.  I wear them so rarely that Ryder isn't used to seeing me in them...

I get home and put my glasses on after a long drive home, feeling a little headache coming on. I come out into the living room, and....

Ryder: Daddy, Daddy- LOOK!!

FTH: Yeah, Ryder- Momma has her glasses on!

Ryder: She's CUTTEEEEEEE (with a HUGE smile)!

How cute is HE? That's when my heart explodes into a million pieces...

What a Girl!

Isn't she beautiful? This is what Slowburn and Sassy Pant's daughter is gonna look like! She was so fun to shoot- those are real flowers that she picked on the ground in front of her, and she was sprinkling them on the ground like a little fairy princess....

Black Crowes!!!

Black Crowes!!!, originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

I'm convinced that Sassy Pants learned all her moves from Chris
Robinson!

Thanks Guys!

Movie Reviews

Wow. Awesome. I guess I should start taking those stripper classes.

Lovely!

New Sexy Song

My New Favorite Song...who would have thought it would be by Oasis?? Capitol Swell made me do it.



Get off your high horse lady, I don’t need a ride tonight
Get off your high horse lady, I don’t need a ride tonight
Lay down

I hear your soul song singing from a fire in the sky
I hear your soul song singing from a fire in the sky
Rain down
Rain down

Get off your high horse lady, I don’t need a ride tonight
Get off your high horse lady, I don’t need a ride tonight
Lay down
Lay down

Can NOT stop listening to this song.

10 Ways of Hotnett

So the Seed and I are just sitting around, after having watched "The Faculty" and "40 Days and 40 Nights" with the gang....My thoughts have been on Josh Hartnett all night long, and the Seed knows this. He says, "You should do a blog post about Josh. 10 Ways of Hotnett. Sounds like a GREAT idea.

I love the way he rips off the blade of the paper cutter, with one foot on the table. Sooooooooooo Manly. I love the way he walks. I love the way he slouch walks. I love the way he can be goofy. I love his smile. I love his smoldering, brooding, comegetme eyes. I love his tallness. A confident, yet shy (appearing), tall, candystick. I love his badassness + cuteness. I love his sexiness. I love his mole at the bottom of his neck. I love when he says, "if anyone see us, just grab me and pretend like we're makin' out. I love him in 'Virgin Suicides" even with his crazy wig. And I love love love love love love love his fucking dead sexy voice.

The Seed says he's got this boyish charm/badassmanlyness. I agree (although I think its hysterical that he's helping me out, here).

I think that was way more then ten.

That Ugly Word

Why do women (and families) have to suffer that ugly word called miscarriage?? WHY? How is it fair? How come some women have many, and some women have none? Why have I gotten this far, jacked up on hormones recovering from surgery- so that I never have to experience a miscarriage again? I don't know..this post is going to make absolutely no sense because I'm angry and sad for her. I'm feeling everything that she's feeling. Everything. Her broken voice is still ringing in my ears and I can't stop crying for her. I can't stop crying for any woman who has had a miscarriage. And there are so so many. More than you know.

Sucks To Be a Leo

Not much to say these days...except estrogen therapy sucks.

So, I dive into some Led Zepplin and some Black Crowes.

Girl From a Pawnshop comes to mind...

Ryder Approves Blog Post

Ryder Approves Blog Post, originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

Singing Lullabies

In the two and a half years of Ryder's life, I've found it impossible to sing lullabies to him without crying. I can't ever sing one without my voice cracking, or my eyes tearing up. I've recently realized this when we cut out his evening bottles- we have to find a creative way to get him to bed- get him to wind down, and ready himself for sleep. We've come up with reading, of course...we let him pick out his bedtime story (usually two or three), and he walks to his bedroom with authority and not sleepiness, holding his books like a kid in school hallways heading to another classroom. But he's usually still so awake after a few stories, so I thought about songs that I could sing to him. But I just can't do it.

As I've mentioned before, I've tried. Here are some of the songs that I've attempted. Mind you, I've failed at completing all of them. Every single one. I thought it was hard when he was an infant because he was just so pure and innocent, and sweet. I would just get caught up in the song and in his face and body and toes that my voice would tremble. It's even harder now because when I try to sing a lullaby, he's staring right back at me with big, questioning eyes, sometimes smiling, when recognizing a song, sometimes saying, "mama no!!". Even when he says no, I still tear up. I don't know why.

1. Silent Night. I can just forget about this one.
2. I Give My Life for You (Miss Saigon)- I KNOW what you're going to say, this song might be a little overwhelming for a two year old, but still beautiful. Still makes me cry.
3. Hush Little Mermaid (Backyardigans)- just a pretty melody. Still cry.
4. You are My sunshine. I can sing this to him during the day, but at night as a lullaby, I just can't do it!!!
5. A wonderful World. Iz. Yup. Can't do this one either.
6. And the one that I really want to sing all the way through, but can't, is Tomorrow. Annie.

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

Try singing that to your baby and not crying. And its just not the copious amounts of estrogen I'm on right now, either. I had problems singing lullabies to him from his first day of life. WHY??

Maybe I should try "sexy back". I'll let you know how that goes.

I Miss the Little Dude

And Goodnight!

You're My Best Friend

"When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
With the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
Yes I do...
Yes I do"

I need you to sing this with me!  We'll just close our eyes, and picture all of us together, and rock out.  I'm having surgery tomorrow.  Remember that whole heart shaped uterus thing?  Well, I'm getting rid of it.  No no, not the uterus, just the piece of the heart that is hanging down making my womb an inhospitable place for making babies.  And I'm nervous as all hell.  

The month of August has been crazy.  My day job has been crazy busy with various submissions that needed to go into federal agencies.  Throw in a week trip to Hawaii for a wedding, and then a weekend trip to NYC for M's conference shoot, and now surgery- well, it all has left me beside myself.   Beside myself in a good way, of course.  If I've ever really rocked out, its been this year. And its not even over yet.  It's just August.  I've built Jonas and Luna with the buddy of all buddies, I've gone to Italy and France, and felt love love love everywhere, Ryder got a big boy bed and we got rid of his nightly and morning bottles (FINALLY), Ryder went to NYC,  we saw a beautiful moon and rainbow in Hawaii, I suffocated and squeezed the shit out of my godson, and got harassed by Kevin.  All in all, a good year.  Its funny how a bit of your life flashes before your eyes when you know you're going to be put into a deep, paralyzing, immobile sleep for an hour.  I'm scared.  I need you to sing this song with me.  Will I wake up?  Will I see Ryder's and Scott's sweet faces again?  Will I see yours?  I know I'm being dramatic.  I'm a Leo.  Will we be able to have another baby?  Or will we adopt from Tibet?  

The take home message from this incoherent blog post is this:  Just LIVE.  Just LOVE.  Throw yourself into life and don't stop.  And don't forget to love along the way.   Sing this song with me.  It will make me happy.

Ryder in New York City

This is Ryder in a taxi cab (which are curiously exempt from the federal law mandating any infant or child to be in a car seat) after taking him shopping at FAO Schwartz. You can see him clutching the red FAO bag that holds his new toy. He's officially a big boy now, I think. He survived NYC. He actually enjoyed it and hated being inside our hotel room. He EVEN joined us for a nightcap at a local dive bar. Man. I can hear Jay screaming in my ear, "TILLY! (I've recently realized that he ALWAYS addresses me by shouting my name) You baby him. He needs to grow up and be a man".

Sadly, it feels like that is just around the corner.

Ohana Means Family.

I love weddings.

I love how they bring everyone together, from so many different places, into one space to celebrate one couple.  The power of the love felt is just overwhelming- and I find myself crying at weddings no matter what.  The vibe of friends and family in love is impossible to write about, and I wish I could.  But I can't possibly begin to, so I'll just say this:  Thank you, Nikki and Neil for bringing us all together.  Ian, The Sherp, ForeversleuthingfortastyplacestoeatPolly, Beefcake, the Mench, The Chipmunk, Ono, and the infamous B.O.B and his lil bro.  It was great to see old friends like Rhee, and Sri, and Roy- just madness, really.  All there.  Just soakin it all in.  I miss you guys.  

I love rainbows too.

From Palm Trees to Concrete!

From Palm Trees to Concrete!, originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

Standing in line at Magnolia's for the yummy yummy cupcakes!

I Love My Birthday...

I Love My Birthday..., originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

And I'm usually not a big birthday fan. But this is good. Very good.

My Birthday Rules!

My Birthday Rules!, originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

Under the Same Moon

Even though we're here in Hawaii, this is the same moon that you'll see wherever you are...

Ready...

Ready..., originally uploaded by Blue Ryder.

For the beach!!!!

I Love the Olympics

And Michael Phelps.  This shot was taken after the Men's 4 x 100 Freestyle Relay..they kicked ass, and it was the first time the freakishly tall husband and I literally jumped off of the couch rooting for the US, screaming "GOGOGOOGOGOGGOOGOGOGOGOOOO!!"  This win coming after the French talking smack..he really is just amazing to watch.  

This post comes after foreversleuthingfortastyplacestoeatpolly and I texting back and forth about how much we love watching these games.  Or any of the Olympic games for that matter. She and I could and would sit there all day long in front of the telly, watching the little Chinese girls in gymnastics, or of course, my boyfriend- Michael Phelps.  He's just sooo cute!!  He reminds me of a goofy high school boyfriend.  I dunno.  Its just me.  I could watch him ALL DAY LONG!!   His body is nice too.  

The Little Howard County Fair

We took the little Lover boy to the fair yesterday! The weather was amazing- low to mid 80's with no humidity, and a nice breeze..it was the PERFECT day to be outside with the husband and the boy, and the camera. Just a stunningly gorgeous day. The Howard County Fair was the perfect size for us, not too big, so not too packed, with perfect little kiddy rides and a petting zoo. Not to mention the usual fair fare- the funnel cake, the lemonade, the hot italian sausages and the fries. And BUNNY rabbits. Hope everyone enjoyed their Saturdays too- as we begin the countdown for Hawaii...

Howard County Fair on Flickr

And PS: I love Michael Phelps.

And PSS: We chinese occupy 1/5th of the world. That's alot of chinamen.

And PSSS: 11:40pm- and the 4 x100 Men's Freestyle Relay....holy shit.

Straight Up d700...

So I did it! I dropped a load, and bought the d700. We went out to do test shots with it today, and you can check them all out on Flickr. This camera is IT for me. It's nice to be able to play with the ISO and white balance so easily, and the image quality is substantially better (in my eyes) then that of the d50. What a huge jump for me- and I'm back to square one as far as learning everything that this little (or not so little) baby can do. I didn't use a spit of photoshop in any of these images, so you can only imagine the final product when I'm done. I'm in L.O.V.E. I'm not afraid to shoot in low light anymore! Read: my living room, any nursery, a hospital room (without having to use the pop up flash with a white card over it), the back den in any house, a dimly lit corner table at a wedding...1600 ISO on the d50 was just maxed out. We're talking 6400 ISO with good picture quality to spare. YUMMY!!!

I was also going to call this post 3-2-1...because those are the ages of the little models! It's just unbelievable to me that Izzy is three, Ryder is 2, and Liv is 1. To see them running, jumping, playing, smiling, pushing, shoving, hitting, and fighting is just sooo endearing, I wonder what they'll be like next year...or the year after that...or the year after that. They're beautiful kids, inside and out, and I'm super lucky to be able to watch them all grow right before my eyes...

Enjoy!

d700 Pics on Flickr

Well Then, Now its Settled....

I was thinking about buying the Nikon D300 today.  I almost bought it.  But I had wanted the Nikon D700 since they had made the announcement of its release earlier in July.  So, back and forth I went for the last month between the two- trying to decide which would be the better purchase for me.  The D700 is a grand more...and it's a hefty amount of change to spend- but after the research that I'd done, all facts point to the D700 being the better camera for me.  It has everything that I want in a camera- particularly the ability to shoot in low light situations, and HELLO- full frame.   I wish I had the ability to technically explain all of this, but I can't- so, instead...I give you this:  The real reason why you too, should buy a D700......



Unbelievable.

Bottle Rockets...

So, on a lighter note..

If you ever feel like giving away money for a good, hearty, laugh- I know a guy who'll gladly help you out. 10 bucks, 20 bucks, 5 cents, you name it. For 5 dollars, he might drink a shot glass full of hot sauce, or something similar. For 25 dollars, he might bend over, pull his pants down to his knees, put his ass out the window of a townhouse, and have a BFF gingerly place the end of a bottle rocket into his ass (although he might complain a little, if it hurts). For the same small fee- you can even watch the BFF light it up, and watch it shoot out of his ass and into the street. How's THAT for good times???

And not only that..he'd willingly to do it again. Blondiesassypants told me that she recently saw this doerofanythingstupidandtakerofmoney, and this is what he had to say:

"Next time we do the bottle rocket thing, we need to make something out of cardboard that will protect all of my goods, with just a hole cut out to stick the bottle rocket in."

In which she promptly emailed me, and said:

1. To think that there will be a next time???

2. To put thought into making a contraption that leaves an asshole opening????

3. To want someone shoving a bottle rocket in your ass again???


Yeah. True story. No lie.

I have NO idea who'd do that... I don't have ANY relationships with THOSE types of people...;)

Oh Ryder...

I almost called 911 today. Almost.

He woke up this morning in a fit of coughing. Cough. Cough. Cough cough. Cough. And then, he coughed so hard a few times that he puked. And then more coughing, and then more puking. Cough. Puke. Cough. Puke. Ok, he's done this before, no big deal. So he's not going to school today. We'll work it out. We always do! Until...the barking started. The croupy barking. Bark. Bark. Bark. DAMMIT. Bark. Bark! Bark! He barked all morning til we just couldn't take it anymore, and decided to take him to the doctors. He came home after a hefty dose of decadron, which worked like a miracle the last time he had croup. His lungs sounded great, it was all in his little throat. This time, though, the decadron didn't help a lick. But like a trouper, he managed to fall asleep for his nap, but woke up puking again, and then fell back asleep on Scott on the couch. And when he woke up again, I swear I thought he couldn't breathe.

*[I just don't know what happens to me when I think someone can't breathe. I panic. It's the same with the whole drowning thing. Is it because I almost drowned myself? I dunno. Is it because of the PICU experience that if there are breathing issues involved, I think I only have seconds to correct the situation? i dunno. Whatever it is, I HATE IT. It renders me completely and utterly useless, near tears, shaking, panicking, and completely unable to think. I just don't know why I can't KEEP IT TOGETHER.]*

When he woke up, he just was barking, looked uncomfortable, was crying, and trying to take breaths. It looked to me like he was struggling. It looked to me like he wanted to puke, and wasn't sure what was going to happen. We picked him up and took him into the middle of the kitchen, for easy clean up if he did puke again. And that's when Scott says, "hey grab the puffer". I completely freak out. My pulse starts to rise, and I'm shaking, and I'm trying to figure out which puffer is mine, which puffer is his, which one is albuterol, which one is flovent. I can't even open the package, I have to grab scissors cause I'm shaking so much. All the while he's barking, and crying, and gasping. All I can think of is to call 911. Cause I feel like I can't deal with it, and I'd rather have someone else here with a clear head (like I had with my patients) to sort stuff out. I just kept wondering how long he could keep barking until his trachea completely closes off. And then I start thinking, "well, if this is croup, albuterol isn't going to help, because it just isn't his lungs that's the issue!!!" He won't be able to inhale any of it!!!

Ohhhh I was such a mess. Ridiculous. The whole time Scott is holding Ryder, and just sitting there, calm, both of them on the kitchen floor. He tells me to calm down....I try to calm down...and Ryder stops barking...a little at a time. We all take one big, deep breath. He falls back asleep on daddy on the couch. While he's sleeping, I'm listening to his lungs like a freak. They sound great. AWESOME. Its definitely his throat. His little trachea. And when he sleeps, he moves air fine. It's just the barking and the agitation, that throws him into a fit. =( Poor little guy.

And.....he wakes up, and is completely fine. I just don't get it. These kids don't come with manuals and its completely pissing me off. But god, do I love him. Jesus. He's just everything to me. Everything.

Happy Birthday to YOU Too, Old Man.

So what's it like to be so old, Slowburn? I would like it to be known (finally, for the blog record), that everything that I've ever tried that might have happened to be "bad", has been ALL Slowburn's fault. Period. He's lucky his kid is so damn cute. It makes him a little more huggable too, no? =)

Here are some pictures of your CUTE KID! You must feel super special. I waited til it was exactly your birthday, and posted them. JUST. FOR. YOU.

Happy Birthday!! Just like we said we would, we're headed for the wheelchairs and canes....and watching our kids grow....

Happy Birthday Ian!!

Dear Baby Ian,

I can't believe you're one! It makes us all a little sad, but what do we do? You're beautiful, and if you have ANY vibes like your momma, you're going to the rock the world someday. I love love love you, and everything about you. My only wish would be that you were here. Your mom and I got to texting about how far you and she have come in the past year. So, instead of texting back to her to tell her that I know what she's feeling, I pulled up an old blog post about my thoughts on Ryder's first year. HERE it is....

But Ian, you did something for me today too. You made me remember what it was about blogging that I so enjoyed to begin with. I thought about not posting for a while... Go under the radar, so to speak- to hide my thoughts, actions, words, and pictures....But going through old posts to find the one for you, made me realize that I've left a piece of me here. It's far better than a journal because not only is it a piece of me, but a little something from all of us- through all of the comments, and jabs from the buddies.. through the Fat War...through Ryder's issues of being sick, to our vacations and birthdays, to my dad and heart surgery, to my miscarriages, and to the evolution of my photos..its all here. The last two years of our lives. Why would I want to stop something so wonderful over something so stupid? Thank you, Ian, for making me see the more important things in this world, like...LIFE. Thank you for making your momma sooo happy after all her attempts at having you...thank you for being such a great baby, so much so that your mom probably wonders why I was such a freak with your cousin.

You, and all the other beautiful kids in this world are reasons we are all here. Put all of that aside, and all we have is some cool baby gear. Which ain't bad either, but- you know what I'm sayin. One day you'll really get to know who I am. And I can't wait!! (Don't listen to anything that your mom tells you.  She's fuckin nuts.) And I really can't wait til I can really sit and talk with you. Actually I CAN wait. We'll all wait together, just to slow down the time that is just flying by.

Happy Birthday Ian.
I love love love love you,
The Coolest GodMomma Ever,

Me

PS- I sadly do not have any recent pictures of Ian...but thanks to P, you can go 

HERE to see some birthday pics...

Because I Love Her!!

This is because it's coming up on Wednesday, and P and I always used to commiserate over how SUCKY Wednesday hump days were.  I'd go over to her apartment after work, still fuming in my work clothes, and she'd be "prepping" for dinner.  We'd spend the rest of the evening smoking and gabbing between stuffing our faces.  I'd laugh at her while she complained over how much mosquitoes fucking pissed her off.  I'd wrestle with the Tonka pup.  And really, what the hell did we have to complain about then?  Those were the good days.  The good days still exist, but what seemed to be insurmountable then, ain't so much now.  I continue to marvel over her, and the other peeps who fill me with love every single day.  This is for YOU P!  I love this picture of you, so deal with it!  I'm just practicing with Photoshop anyway.  So if it looks a little shaky in some areas...that's because it's for P, and I don't really care.  Like four layers going on here.  Crazy.

So much is happening so fast.   Jonas and Luna are beginning to get work...it's a little scary. We got our logo (it freakin rocks, btw) and suddenly things are beginning to happen.  Maybe a little too fast, but its happening.  Gangs all here.  All we need to do is get out there.  Deep breath.  Focus.  Practice.  Just get better.  

Babies, Beds, and iPhones...

It's been quite the weekend, and it was pretty low key!!

So my hippylovergirl Amie (who has an amazing name for that hippylovergirl baby) came over with her killerloverboy Dylan, and I could NOT put the camera down for two seconds to catch up with her. I'm telling you that boy is sooo cute, I drool when I'm near. I lick my lips cause I just wanna shove my nose into his neck. I die when he looks at me with that smile. I took 50 million pictures of him, and they all look the same because all I wanted to do was to get that perfect smile with the perfect eyes staring into my soul =) When we first started out, we were in our living room, so I started shooting him at 200 ISO...but then when we moved into our living room, which is much darker, I bumped up the ISO out of the galaxy to 1600, so I didn't have to use my on board flash. Needless to say, they turned out grainy. I don't know why I didn't bust out the light fixture that I had....but who cares? That means he gets to come over again and I get to squeeze him til..til..forever!!! Amie, thanks for letting me shoot the little adorable cute cute baby..can't wait to see him again Friday!

We also bought Ryder a BIG BOY BED this weekend. Wahhhhhhhh...we bought it Saturday night..late late..and we didn't get home til around 9pm. He helped pick it out, and he was sooo excited about it that he HAD to be in it for bed that same night. This meant that the freakishly tall husband was hammering at around 9:30. So worth it though, he loved it. Ryder was so proud of himself, and so tickled, cause it has a BLUE TENT over it. The transition was easy. Well, there wasn't a transition. He was ready for it, and he jumped right into it. I died a little. =( A big boy bed. Sniff.. The next day, when we were taking apart his crib, he asked, "Where's da baby bed, mama?". I told him we gave the baby bed to Dylan (since we had just seen him). "We gave the baby bed to Dylan, Ryder...remember? He's a baby...he needs the baby bed. But you're a big boy. That's why you have a big boy bed. Just like Aidan". His response? "YEEEAHHHHHH! BABY BED in AMIE cah. Wydew beds big boy bed like AIDAN! YAAHHHHH!". Tear. Sniff. I think I wanna have me another one of these cute kids.

On the iPhone front, I ALMOST bought myself the new version, but not out of consumerism and the need to be cool (which would be typical for me). On our way to buy paint for Ryder's room today, I put his sippy cup, and my iPhone, onto the roof of the car so I could strap him into the car seat. When he was all snuggled in, and I got my nosey kiss, I backed out, stood up, grabbed the sippy cup, hopped into the car, and away we went. 5 minutes later on Route 29, we hear a THUD on the top of the car, and we both look back to see what the noise was. We saw white, and black. And nothing more. "What the hell was that?" Shrug. Eh. Whatevs. It wasn't until we were through with Home Depot, 2 hours later, when I was searching for my phone...when I pee'd my pants and realized that what I saw out of the rear view was, in fact, my phone. I considered it a goner.

The Freakishly Tall Husband drove us back to where we thought we had last seen it. I dunno why. I KNEW it was a goner. There was NO way that the little iPhone could survive that crash. But we were curious. He hopped out of the car...found the black rubber casing....we're close. After searching around some more on the side of the road in weeds infested with dead animals, he found it. It wasn't shattered, it wasn't beaten, it wasn't bleeding. It had two missed calls on it, since the husband called it hoping that it would ring...and a big scratch on its right upper rounded corner. That's it. The glass was still pristine, and everything else was like perfect. I immediately started the browser...fine. Checked my email...fine. Played some tunes...fine. Called the Husband...fine. He called me...fine. Same with texts.....How it survived a 65 mph crash off of the roof of the car, I'll never know. But, I must say..."iPhone, NOW, I'm humbled."

So ahh..how was your weekend, bitches? Girls in Cali, and Girls who just got back from Cali, feast your eyes on this yummy goodness that I got to SHOOT!!

B.O.Y.S.

So this is a Super Friday Picture Post! Looks like I'm averaging about a week to process pictures, and I'm coming up with around 30 or so keepers from each session. Still need to become more fluid with the camera and the lighting, and I know this is only going to happen with constant practice. And let's talk about CS3 for a minute. I've always had Photoshop, it's saved me in the past with brightness and contrast, but it would be a beast to work with because of how slow my computer was. Just opening up a RAW image took (at the very least) a full minute. Then sliding the scales over to the right or left to adjust images took another minute, and god forbid you didn't like the way that it looked, and you wanted to slide it again. Crap. Another minute. It was soo painfully slow that I was very near the point of slitting my wrists and wanting to just call it a day...and then to have to save it as another file in another folder of another application- just slap me in the face, and call me your bitch, why don't you???

Now, with the MacBook Pro, CS3 flows like a dream. Like Beefcake swimming through an ocean of pork fat mixed with butter with her mouth open wide.  Not only that, but I can keep multiple pages of the web browser up (you know- to download free textures from Flickr), run iTunes, keep Aperture open to retrieve photo files, and edit with CS3 without any hiccups. After all this time, I know what the Seed was talking about. Magic!! What I did with these photos in the last week, would have taken me nearly a month on my old computer. God Bless all things fast, simple, user friendly, and well- Apple. I also probably need to mention that the blue wooden backdrop I'm using for my pics was found on Deviant Art.  Thank you, Harry Bundles, for the tip. It's a great site.

So here is the work I've been doing. I just threw up a random picture of Ryder since- the blog is called Blue Ryder. You can see more of him here on Flickr for the 4th of July pics. To see M & C's wedding photo set, go here, and to see Ryder's Godfather in all his glory, head on over here!!

Happy, Happy Friday, and Happy, Happy viewing!  Helllooooo weekend, and Hellloooo more shooting...

Because I Have a Serious Addiction to Photoshop Now...

I know it looks a little busy, and a little crazy- but after two full days of trying to figure this out, TADA! Thanks to the Freakishly Tall Husband (again), and Browser- for help in formatting the blog so my pics can be BIG.

This is Luna at her best (for NOW)! Since most of my images of M & C were blurry, I tried to salvage the pictures by making them dreamy. Pretty dreamy, no? Jonas shoots with awesome light, and hard edges....Luna...well- here is Luna!

The Newlyweds....

So, yes- it's been a busy night for Jonas and Luna. Here's your sneak peek, M & C! Thanks for your patience too- especially with this novice over here praying desperately for her camera to visualize you. Most of my pics turned out either blurry and unfocused, or just too dark. Again- lots to learn. But as long as we're having fun- and we're together, that's all that matters! I'm glad you aren't paying clients though =) Love you, and THANKS!

Guess WHO?

Had the very nice pleasure of shooting Ryder's Godfather this afternoon. Wow- is all I can say. Who IS this guy? Where did all these muscles come from? And let me tell you...playing with light flashes is sooo crazy. Lots to learn, lots to learn. But goddamn, I'm having fun doing it. Thank you Godfather- for your patience with us..and thank you for your hotness!!!!!

Because All Photographers....

Take pictures of themselves taking pictures?

So I'm Tickled Blue..

Thanks to the Freakishly Tall Husband and a lot of XML, here is the new look to Blue Ryder.  I love it, and I hope that you enjoy it too!  A big, fatty reason that started this whole face lift process was the ability to upload larger pictures to my blog, instead of the tiny "large" pictures that Blogger sets you up with.  I now have the capability to link to a larger picture size....for better viewing all around.  

If you're in the search for a new Blogger template, go here.  It's not really as easy as it looks, but with a little perseverance and a persistent and stubborn freakishly tall husband, you might get everything to upload properly.  Just make sure you save your previous version before you go and do anything stupid.

Have a really great 4th of July, and apparently, The Seed has something for us.  Go check him out.

How's This For Size??

Lake Como, Italy

Just Playing with My New Tools..

This was a house in Cannes, France that the Freakishly Tall Husband and I fell in love with. After some tomfoolery with Photoshop....here it is in all its fun. God, I love my MacBook Pro.

I Figured Out a Few Things Today..

I figured out that white balance is a bitch to control.

I learned that bodybuilding takes some serious discipline..that which I don't have.

I figured out that you always get nervous before and after a shoot, because you just

don't wanna miss that shot.  The shot that the client is hoping for.  Her vision may

not be the same as yours.

I've learned that you CAN have three kids and still look like THIS hot mama.

I also realized (after driving aggressively home in my 6-speed Audi All-Road- after having

watched WANTED), that I can never EVER be a member of a Secret Society of Assassins because:

I can barely swallow pills without choking or gagging.

Awesome.

A Fresh Face

Liv's Birthday Pics

Olivia's Birthday  on Flickr

The Seed's house is actually a beautiful place to shoot.  And I couldn't have asked for a more brighter, beautiful day.  The sun coming down on the grass and all of the colorful random things hanging from the trees is a photographer's dream.  Throw in a Hawaiian Luau birthday party theme, and you've got the kiddies running around with bright, beautiful lei's that make for fantastic pictures.  Fun, fun, FUN.  

Looking through the pictures, and reading blog posts from Slowburn, I've realized that yes indeedy...we're getting old.  I look at the kids, and I think, "WOW..we're now OUR parents!".  I remember days at my grandpa's house, running around outside on the grass, while our parents took pictures of us.  Ok, maybe we weren't running around, but we really were dancing to Duran Duran....but whatever....Where (again) HAS THE TIME GONE?  So many people have come, and stayed in my life, and I hope that this is where it ends, if it ever does end.  I look at Ryder, I look at my friends' children, and I look at them growing up together.  Just makes me so happy that I wanna throw myself down on the grass and roll around with them.  

And to think..it really only gets better from here.  

The Corn Pooper

Poop Conversations with Ryder

"Wydew got ta big poop, deddy."

"Yeah, Ryder- ughh. That's a pretty big poop. You pooped out all the corn from last night. Ughh."

"Cawn poop deddy. Wydew got ta cawn poop."

Need Help With iChat

Does anyone know the Screen Call Names for iChat-ing these hot guys? Cause, I mean, there's my computer.

They're playing a PortisHead cover.  What I wouldn't give to be in that room....

Almost Done...

Rumor has it that the slide show is nearing completion. This week has been really hectic- and honestly for no good reason. There just never is enough time in the day to do all that you need or want to do. I've been spending most of my time importing images onto my new MBP - in between trying to spend yummy time with Ryder- in between busy "day job" work days- in between spending hours online with my girls on iChat. Looking back at the pictures I think that I can't believe that I was there. How come time has to fly by so damn fast? Three months ago is so different from now. Even Ryder is a completely different little boy. Even today- for Amie and Ken, their new addition is what they know, but didn't know three months ago (don't really understand what I wrote there- but you get it, don't you?). Anyhow, it's a little unnerving all of the sudden to think about how FAST our time just flies.

Like I wanna go back into this picture. I want to remember how I felt that day..and how Michelle and Christian felt that day. I want to remember how I felt being there with everyone. I mean, I remember how I felt, I feel it now- its yummy. But it's just not the same cause I'm not really there. That was then. Not sure where I'm going with this..but I guess I just miss you west coasters. In just the last week I saw P and the Sherp. And even though she lives here, in Maryland- M is never here...and I got to see her twice in a row. And its been a blast. Just being there, being stupid- watching each other do shots with the Seed orchestrating elaborate master plans to have us all chatting on the same computer screen. Ian looks sooo different from what he looked like 3 months ago. Liv is turning one. I can't take it- TOO TOO FAST. Three months ago I didn't know that I would try to make a day job out of photography.

Don't you even get me started on talking about where I think the past year has gone.

Crazy Little Birthday Girl

This Will Do!

After I played with Izzy's image below, I posted it to this blog...but it looked completely different, like she looks a bit gray.....the version I saved and see on Aperture is warmer, much warmer. Well, here's version 2.0 until I figure out why it would be any different.

Sassy Pants

Cupcakes!